Let’s face it, if you’re married, you’re more than likely to have disagreements that seem to last forever! Marital fights seem to be the ugliest of all. The best thing to do to resolve conflict is not always clear cut, especially when both husband and wife feel as though they are right and the other person is glaringly wrong. Lasting disagreements come about from issues in finances, fidelity, love life, work/life balance and etc. Sometimes, it may take an awfully long time to reach a point where there is complete peace in the matter. No matter what the issue is, these 5 Tips to Handle Lasting Disagreements in Marriage can help. (Be on the lookout for 5 Additional Tips on Handling Lasting Disagreements coming soon!).
1. Don’t stop doing what you’re supposed to do. When a conflict blows up, it’s tempting to let it to spill over into your routine responsibilities such as house chores and romance life. You’re only asking for more trouble if you give in to this temptation. When you stop doing what you’re supposed to do, you’re feeding into defeat and/or operating in pride. Trust me, I know that when you’re emotionally drained from fighting with your spouse, you don’t want to do anything, but pout and rebel, but if you don’t want irritate the situation more than it already is, do what you’re supposed to do simply because it’s the right thing to do. This will help isolate the disagreement to its own island and will minimize its effect on your marital life as a whole.
Try turning your negative energy into positive energy keeping in mind that you have a duty to build your home, not let it come crashing down. The greatest enemy of marriage would love to blow disagreements out of proportion to make you doubt your marriage’s longevity. Continue cooking, cleaning, giving those back rubs and “I love you’s” in faith that it’ll only be a matter of time before everything passes over. As a matter of fact, become perfect and blameless for your spouse because the enemy is accusing you of everything bad under the sun. The heat amid a fight is enough. Don’t add fuel to the fire by allowing the condition of your home to go down the drain.
2. Silence the noise of negative emotions. Through prayer and meditation on God’s Word, try not to get emotionally consumed by what’s not going right. Serious conflict has a way of vacuuming out any positive thoughts. During an argument notice how suddenly you forget about all the things you love about your spouse because all you see is everything that’s wrong and the words “always and never” start to surface. “You never do this good!” and “You always do this bad!” It’s not fair to fight like this because the recipient of those words starts to feel attacked, underappreciated, unloved, not forgiven and will go into defense mode. When you’re discussing marital issues, try to avoid these words because honestly, you would be in much more trouble if “always and never” were the reality.
As an argument comes to surface, try dealing with one issue at a time. In our emotions we jump from one argument to another. This accomplishes absolutely nothing! Believe it or not, conflicts should be productive in ironing out differences to become a better “one flesh,” but only if they’re handled effectively.
3. Focus on the good things as much as possible.
“And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise”. Philippians 4:8 NLT
When I’m going through a tough time, often times you can find me singing, reading my Bible, and writing in my prayer journal. Now that’s not to say that I’ve achieved 100% perfection in how to handle difficulty, but I’ve come a long way! The reason I run to these sort of outlets is to put the situation in God’s hands. I need to free myself from defeating thoughts and emotions and get spiritual perspective. I’d ask God, what are you trying to do through this test? Why am I going through this? I’m not asking these questions because I think that I don’t deserve to go through it, but because all things work to the good of those that love God and I know that there’s purpose in everything I go through.
Focusing on good things doesn’t mean to deny the situation. This leads to the next tip.
4. Don’t deny the situation. Some people have a more passive nature and will altogether deny that there is a major disagreement in their marriage. Out of fear, some may not want to bring up certain issues with their spouse, so they walk on eggshells to keep the pseudo-peace, but this isn’t a wise way to handle disagreements. Because an argument can turn ugly really fast, sometimes it’s best to leave the topic alone for a while and seek God in prayer on how to resolve the matter, but please don’t ignore it. Rather than drop the ball on past issues, continue to pray about it because sooner or later it’ll come up again and it’ll bite you every time. God can work things out without you saying anything, but sometimes, God will involve you, but you have to have an ear to hear what he’d guide you to do.
After time has passed and emotions have calmed down, prayerfully bring the issue up for discussion, but don’t bring it up at an inappropriate time such as in front of other people, at a time with a lot of distractions, or during another argument. As you talk, take note of pain points, and take them to God in prayer to seek wisdom on how to deal with them. As you do this, you should notice that you are becoming more effective at discussing the issue, listening to each other’s perspectives and needs, and getting closer to a resolution.
The last and most important tip is probably the hardest tip to follow…
5. Fully surrender the situation to God. Speaking for myself, it’s not a major challenge to take a problem to the Lord in prayer. The struggle comes when I have to leave that thing there and wait for him to work it out. Out of impatience, I’ll try to put my hands on it and find a quick solution. No wonder the Bible tells us to pray without ceasing because then we’re consistently surrendering to God and overcoming the motives of the flesh.
Impatience is like scratching a mosquito bite. It only irritates the situation, makes things harder and delays healing and harmony between you and your other half. Conflict brings to surface a lot of different emotions and it’s hard managing them all. Some people have the felt need to put all their emotions on display so that their spouse can really see how they feel. Some may be numb and are beyond trying to reason with their spouse. Some feel the urge to escape to things that pacify them and some people want to leave the marriage altogether. This is fear, anxiety, pain and anger that are the opposite of faith. It takes genuine faith to fully surrender to God.
Successfully surrender things to God by venting to him. Venting is different from politically correct communication (lol) because it involves all the raw emotion. Venting to God is so powerful because you’re not venting to any random person. You’re bringing it to the Sovereign One who can not only tell you everything you need to know about you, your spouse, and the disagreement, but he can also change turn it around. Although he knows you and the problem better than you do, he appreciates when you tell him all the fine details because it builds intimacy and trust in him. You make your problems smaller and God bigger. Pray, fast, meditate on scripture, write in your prayer journal, praise, and worship the Lord Jesus. All these outlets are various avenues to relinquishing your troubles to the master marriage counselor.
Destined Initiative:
Why is handling marriage carefully a Destined Initiative? Because it can either make you or break you… Let’s be honest, divorce can set you back from achieving your expected end in God in quite a few ways. More importantly, marriage is sacred in God’s eyes, so it should be cherished even when it doesn’t feel good. The context of marriage can feel like a boxing ring, but we have to remember that our spouses are not (always, lol) the enemy. The enemy works in cunning ways and will try to throw confusion in the mix to make you wonder about your other half, but if you’re married, it’s too late for second thoughts, now you have to roll with the punches and learn how to love, respect, and forgive unconditionally. You are an overcomer! Go get that blessed married life!
Drop a comment and share some other tips you use to handle lasting disagreements. We could all use extra enrichment!
